vobiblog

As you can see, its been 3 months since my last blog. I stopped writing because it became increasingly difficult to write about my personal life, knowing that people from work are going to be reading it. Now I don’t really give a fuck. A lot has happend in the 3 months.

I should be in bed. Instead i am drowning my sorrows in a cheap bottle of wine and talking to you. I worked till 1 last night, started at 6. I was adding a few more features to some software I developed around the time of my last blog. The software design was so bad. I couldn’t believe that I could have actually come up with something like that.

No back to whats happend.

Once Bon and my brother Monty moved in, I basically stopped living at home, choosing to spend almost every night as Spikey’s place. On the 9th of Feb, I officially moved out of my house in Enoggera after almost 5 years. It was good, but depressing to say goodbye to that chapter of my life.

One of the reasons I had to move out is that I have been fucking poor. I haven’t been getting enough work done, and the clients are paying for what I do. By the time I left my old house, I was almost $2000 behind in rent with huge other expenses mounting up. the only way I could get out of there was to swallow my pride and borrow the money from my Dad. Its a good thing he doesn’t really care if he gets it back. The clients still aren’t paying. My motivation to work is better than it was, but still not at a point where I am going to get out of this hole, and all my clients are starting to get the shits with me.

Sadly, my companion of the last 4.5 years, My 1986 Toyota Corona Wagon finally died a few weeks ago. I was dropping Spikey into the city when I let it overheat. I managed to get it home and cool it down, but the damage had already been done. It may only be the head gasket that is cracked but there are so many other things wrong with it that it’s not worth fixing. I haven’t been able to replace it because the clients aren’t paying. Oh well. The train isn’t so bad.

Any of you who are close to me know that I am not that together emotionally. The last few months has been really hard because the two people who are closest to me have been having their own problems. I have been trying to put on a happy face, no matter what life throws at me, but there have been a few occasions where I have just broken down crying and not been able to stop.

It happend again on Tuesday night. I was supposed to working on that software, I somehow put Spikey in a bad mood, and after talking with her, It finally occurred to me why people don’t really like me. Well maybe it’s not that they don’t like me. On paper, the checklist of admirable qualities has plenty of ticks on it. It’s just that I don’t do anything for anyone, I don’t make anyone feel good about themselves.

Even though I only have a couple of friends, It never occurred to me that I made people feel bad about themselves. I don’t do it deliberately, its just the way my words come out or my body language or something. I was totally devastated when I found this out. I just couldn’t stop crying. Like all of my ideas about myself were false.

And it’s true. Even today I was meeting with a potential client. I told him that I didn’t have much experience with flash, because most of the web sites I have worked with needed to be fast to load and simple. I could see that the guy was offended and started being defensive about his work. I wasn’t criticising his work, I was just stating that I didn’t know that much about the topic and somehow he has got the wrong idea.

I would like everyone to post what they really think about me. Be brutally honest. I suspect that not many people read this stupid thing anymore.

I just don’t know what I am going to do with myself anymore. It feels like I am less independent now than i was years ago. I was reluctant to move in with Spikey while I am feeling like this. I have experienced being alone before. I have spent a night at Motel Formule 1. Now, I couldn’t even afford to spend a night there, and even if I could, I don’t have a fucking car to drive there.

I am not feeling good about work. If it goes bad, it’s not like I would be able to find a full time job anywhere. Maybe I could go to uni full time. Oh thats right, I have way to much debt to even consider not working. Absolutely nothing to show for that debt as well.

I used to always joke that with my Mum living in Spain, I could always do a Skase. With her situation the way it is now, I don’t even have that option. My greatest fear is having to go back to Melbourne, with less that I started with when I moved here in 97 (nothing).

Damn this is an awful wine. Oh yeh. I am drinking lots again too.

So what’s good. I guess this place, despite all my problems, feels more like home than anywhere else has for a while. Spikey and I have been together for over 7 months now. What else….

Oooh an instant message.. somebody loves me.. oh no someone just wants a favour.

131 dead in Madrid…. Maybe mum leaving Spain is a good thing.

I guess thats it for now. promise to blog more often.

Cya round.